Mishmeres HaSholom: Ask the Rav

Q: At my age and stage, I am often approached for information about friends for shidduchim purposes. I make every effort to speak positively of everyone. However, I have difficulty responding when I am asked specific questions — e.g., whether the person is neat/responsible/honest — especially when the response is not very positive.

I usually don’t know the inquirer, and I have no idea how they interpret multi-faceted traits with many-sided connotations. People also tend to change over the years in these areas. Must I mention the problems, or hint at them? How should I go about answering these highly sensitive questions?

A: Because of the above-mentioned reasons, when one is not familiar with the person who is inquiring and the questions and/or answers are not definite, answers should be vague. For example, “More or less, she is quite organized,” or, “Generally, she is pretty responsible.”

Phrases like these hide the negative in the positive (the reservation connoted by the use of the word “generally” gets swallowed up in the positive connotation of the word “responsible”).

On the other hand, if the person being asked about is severely lacking, one should not only hint at the problem — one must ask a she’eilah on how to respond.

The following questions and answers were taken from the Mishmeres Hasholom pamphlet in Israel. For details and inquiries please e-mail us at office@hasholom.org or call 972-2 5379160.

The opinions expressed in this article are those of the individual author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Hamodia.