Mishmeres HaSholom: Ask the Rav

Q: A friend and I have long telephone conversations during which we discuss our daily ups and downs concerning childrearing, household chores, financial difficulties, problematic relationships and more. Because I’ve recently joined Mishmeres HaSholom and have begun learning hilchos shemiras halashon, I have a new awareness and I’m concerned that these conversations can easily turn to lashon hara. I’d like to note that when we share our daily challenges and encourage each other, we feel much better.

Is this halachically correct?

A: The laws for the heter of speaking lashon hara for a constructive purpose are delineated in the Sefer Chofetz Chaim. These laws allow for voicing negativity regarding others if the purpose is to obtain advice, learn to deal with problems, etc. There is an additional heter for one who is very offended to share with a friend, even if the problem cannot thus be solved. This, however, may only be done when there is no other choice.

The heter is contingent upon the many conditions listed by the Chofetz Chaim, including that the intentions must be for a constructive purpose only, that one not exaggerate, and that the parties should look for alternate solutions. The listener may not believe and only be meichish, and more.

There is an additional heter for extenuating circumstances, where one can share information without mentioning names, in a way that the listener won’t deduce who the subject is. (Having such conversations with a good friend is more problematic, because even if you aren’t explicit, she is likely to figure things out.)

In light of the above, it seems that it isn’t in the way of the Torah to have limitless discussions with a friend, on a steady basis, about problems and difficulties. It is only when you are really distraught and you need advice, and there is no alternative, that you can guardedly discuss the matter with a friend while keeping to the laws of lashon hara l’toeles, being especially careful that your friend won’t believe and only be meichish.

The following questions and answers were taken from the Mishmeres Hasholom pamphlet in Israel. For details and inquiries please e-mail us at office@hasholom.org or call 972-2 5379160.

The opinions expressed in this article are those of the individual author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Hamodia.