Shidduch GPS – Divine Destiny

By Mrs. Tzirel Rubinstein


Q: I am a bachur in shidduchim who would like to present the following query. Our wonderful chinuch system aims to produce talmidei chachamim and bnei Torah. We are doing a fantastic job and I hope we merit the siyata diShmaya to continue. Most bachurim in the larger and more prominent yeshivos are given the impression that one day they will be able to get a job as a Maggid Shiur or Rebbi. The aspiration is wonderful, but the reality shows something else entirely. After speaking to two of my Rebbeim who are well-versed in this inyan, I learned the following: There are simply not enough klei kodesh jobs out there for the many young men who aspire to get such positions. It is a rude awakening when a yungerman finds out after several years of marriage that he is up against hundreds of others for every Rebbi job opening. In light of this, when I have gone out on dates, I’ve been honest with girls about what I plan to do down the line. Would I love to become a Maggid Shiur or Rebbi? Yes, that is what I really want. But, as my Rebbi told me, there are no guarantees. When I tell this to girls, their reaction is that I am obviously not serious enough about learning, because otherwise I wouldn’t say such a thing.

Why am I being rejected for being pragmatic and realistic? Perhaps girls should be informed about the reality of the chinuch job market. Your feedback on this topic would be greatly appreciated.


A: The scarcity of a good job in chinuch is a true reality and your query is understandable. However, your pragmatism and realism are not necessarily the cause of your rejections; rather, it may be the negative outlook you choose to discuss on dates. Practically speaking, no one can possibly know what the future holds, and it’s pointless to discuss a situation that may never come to pass. Every day brings a new dawn with fresh opportunities and infinite possibilities. To quote your Rebbi, “There are no guarantees,” which is true regarding every aspect of life — health, parnassah, children, jobs, chinuch, etc. Negative predictions and comments about the uncertain future are not reassuring, especially to a girl, and it’s a discussion that is best left for later. It also creates a negative impression about the personality of the one who chooses to go there. Perhaps you will be from the lucky ones who will be offered the dream Rebbi job. Maybe you’ll choose to join an out-of-town kollel and eventually become a Rebbi in the cheder or mesivta in that city. Or, you may get an enticing job offer outside of chinuch that she may be supportive of at that time. Why plan on the “glass half-empty” if you can dream about the “glass half-full”?


Since the frum dating system has its limitations, the process is very fragile and every word expressed becomes magnified and analyzed, often raising unwarranted red flags. If you’d like to learn long-term with the possibility of a position in chinuch, you are probably dating that type of girl. That said, why bring up a discussion on a date that may not be relevant in the future but may cause doubt in her mind right now? Generally, if a shidduch is going well and there seems to be overall compatibility, there’s no reason to rock the boat with anticipated issues that may never materialize.


Although there may be truth to it, expressing negative perspectives on a date will not give a feeling of reassurance to the other side. Most of us enjoy being around people who exude positive energy and portray an optimistic attitude. The shidduch decision is stressful as is, and therefore any shred of doubt becomes easily exaggerated, enough to rock the boat and possibly sink it. A good balance of honesty and tact, expressing the truth in its most positive form, should result in conversations that create good vibes on a date.


Imagined worries usually never come to be. It’s mostly the unknown and unanticipated that will. Therefore, it’s of no use to worry.

Your questions are welcome. Please email to To mail or fax see printed edition, page 3.

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