Mishmeres HaSholom: Ask the Rav

Q: As a shadchan, before making a suggestion I try to collect as much information as I can about candidates, regarding spiritual matters, personalities, mentalities, etc., in order to ensure that it is a suitable idea. Details I hear from parents do not suffice because they see their children only in a positive light and I do not have enough time to meet each candidate. I therefore cull information from those who inquired about or met the candidate, while taking caution not to accept it as fact and only to suspect the truth.

An example would be if I hear a boy is on the heavier side, I would know that I can’t suggest him to a family for whom this factor is important. Or, if I get the impression that the girl’s manner of dress is modern, I will not suggest her to a family who is very conservative in taste. These are issues one cannot know without seeing the individuals.

This type of information is very beneficial to the candidates, as it saves them the heartache of unsuitable suggestions. Is my method halachically sound?

A: One must differentiate between types of faults regarding candidates:

1. External matters — known to people who are familiar with the candidates — as in s/he is modern, open-minded, overweight, etc. The shadchan may collect information regarding these issues in order to suspect the truth, since it is no secret, and it is a matter of a constructive purpose and not intended as negativity.

The halachah is the same regarding a family who is looking for a [candidate from a] specific circle, such as Chassidish, Litvish, Yerushalmi, European, American, Israeli, with or without a shtreimel. The same goes for more detailed information, such as a specific type of yeshivah or Chassidus, or a certain sector within this Chassidus or that faction. All of the above is permissible.

2. Personal and private information — faults regarding personalities, character traits, yiras Shamayim, etc. The shadchan is forbidden to hear and collect information regarding these matters, such as whether the candidate’s parents are dishonest, stingy, don’t keep promises, have superficial commitment to Torah ideals, etc.

The same goes for a far-fetched suspicion that they carry a genetic disease, etc. There is no leniency for the shadchan to get information on these matters even if it is only to suspect the truth.

The questions and answers above were taken from the Mishmeres Hasholom pamphlet in Israel. For details and inquiries please e-mail us at office@hasholom.org or call 972-2 5379160.

The views expressed are of the individual author. Readers are encouraged to consult their own posek for guidance.