Mishmeres HaSholom: Ask the Rav

Q: After davening on Shabbos, our Rebbetzin approached me about a woman who was offended by me and had asked the Rebbetzin to discuss the situation with me. She told me it was permissible for her to repeat this, since she was speaking l’to’eles. She went on to explain that the woman is extremely sensitive and I should be careful in my dealings with her.

I was shocked. I was itching to describe all the help and support I’d given her, financial and otherwise. I wanted to tell her how I bend over backwards for this woman, but I kept quiet, concerned that it would put her in a negative light. Am I obligated to absorb the shame, or can I explain myself and improve the Rebbetzin’s impression of me?

A: It is not clear from the question why you suspect that telling the Rebbetzin about what you did for her acquaintance would put the woman in a negative light. You may say, “I’ve done a lot for her. I help her and give her constant support, beyond my call of duty, and yet maybe I wasn’t sensitive enough. I will make an effort to be especially careful in the future.”

If by detailing the type of support you’ve given, negative aspects of the woman would be exposed, you must avoid including details.

The questions and answers above were taken from the Mishmeres Hasholom pamphlet in Israel. For details and inquiries please e-mail us at office@hasholom.org or call 972-2 5379160.

The views expressed are of the individual author. Readers are encouraged to consult their own posek for guidance.