Mishmeres HaSholom: Ask the Rav

Q: I’m a mother of school-aged children, and would like to ask a question that I assume many mothers can relate to. My daughter sometimes comes home with stories about a teacher who acted unfairly to her or one of her friends. I know that students can tell tales that aren’t always accurate, that they sometimes exaggerate, only tell you half the story, etc. But as a mother, I feel it only right to pay attention to my daughter’s complaints and to show her that I care about her. The problem is that I am worried about transgressing the prohibition of accepting lashon hara, because when there are differences of opinion, it is forbidden to justify one side without listening to the other side’s complaints.

How should I deal with these situations, empathizing with my daughter and yet not transgressing?

A: Halachah makes it clear that one may not accept lashon hara, regardless of whether the information is heard from one party or both parties (unless one side admits to the fault), or whether the speaker is a legitimate witness or not. It is also forbidden to agree with the speaker and acknowledge that she was wronged, as you would thus be transgressing the prohibitions of lashon hara and rechilus.

In order to demonstrate your sympathy for your daughter, you should express your concern regarding her or her friend’s suffering and say, “I’ll look into the matter and find out how such a thing could happen.” With that, you are expressing your care and concern for your daughter without giving your consent and endorsement to her complaint.

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