Mishmeres Hasholom – Ask the Rav

Q: Our son is in shidduchim and I am very involved in looking into the various girls suggested to me. Since I have quite a few married children, I avail myself of their assistance in doing research and also consult with them and ask their opinions regarding information I’ve heard, so as to reach the correct decision, b’siyatta diShmaya. I want to ask if I am indeed permitted to inform them about all the details of the shidduch, including virtues and flaws, if my objective is l’to’eles, to obtain their advice, or if there are any restrictions in this matter.

A: It is known that not always are parents able to decide for themselves regarding shidduchim for their children; therefore, it is permissible for them to consult with someone who is knowledgeable in these areas. At times, it is preferable to speak to the Rav whose counsel they usually ask, daas Torah, or other sagacious advisors who are conversant with the topic, and at times, it is preferable to consult with the married children, who are more familiar with the younger generation and can also check if the girl in question suits the spirit of the family, for the sake of unity. Therefore, it is certainly permitted to do so, since it is all for a constructive purpose.

Needless to say, if you can ask advice without revealing who the girl is — that’s better. But many times, in order to get the full counsel, it is important to lay all the facts on the table: who the parents and family are, which community they belong to, etc., and in this case, names may also be mentioned.

Parents and advisors alike must be careful not to believe the flaws they hear about the subject; they may use this only as a basis for concern. “Salvation lies in much counsel,” b’ezras Hashem.


The questions and answers above were taken from the Mishmeres Hasholom pamphlet in Israel. For details and inquiries please e-mail us at office@hasholom.org or call 972-2 5379160.

The views expressed are of the individual author. Readers are encouraged to consult their own posek for guidance.