Halachic queries answered by Harav Menachem Mendel Fuchs, shlita, Menahel Ruchani of Mishmeres HaSholom, posek in the Eidah HaChareidis and Rav of Kiryas Shomrei HaChomos
Q: My daughter-in-law is a successful and fine woman. My son is happy, the children are adorable and well-trained, and we are baruch Hashem seeing a lot of nachas from them. Yet, every time I visit them I’m upset by the messy house, disarray and the children’s sloppy appearance. I’ve been trying to judge her favorably over the years, thinking that her personality is different from mine, that she works full time, and that they did things differently in her parent’s home, etc. I never mentioned my dissatisfaction to her, and I try to be a warm, loving Bubby to the grandchildren. Yet, every time I come home, I feel like I have to share my disappointment with my husband in order to calm down. Is there a heter in this case to speak lashon hara?
A: The heter to speak lashon hara in order to release tension should not be used in this case. There is little hope for change, and though you may have new details to discuss, this problem has been rehashed many times, and you may cause your husband to believe lashon hara. The time has come for you to focus on the positive aspects, and to accept the situation, and your daughter-in-law, as they are.
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