Cross Words in the Palace

Eonsago in Shushan, in the epicera of the Purim story, the king’s egoached. Although he ruled from Eire to Edo, something was wrong. “I don’t like being an emir,” bellowed King Achashverosh, “because no one knows how to spell it properly! Even my royal dictionary lists “emir,” “emeer” and “amir” as valid possibilities. Moreover, it is driving our editing costs sky high. Let’s see: switching to Czar will only make matters worse. I see here “Czar,” “Csar, “Tzar” and “Tsar.”

“I have an idea,” said Haman, the Royal CPA. “Why not call yourself the ‘Shah’? There’s only one way to spell that so no one — not even you — can get mixed up.”

“Aye, I will opt for your idea, Haman, but you must do something about that sty (or stye) in your eye. Shah is ideal. But now I must find a new rani to be my wife. Let us drink some sloe gin and toast to our most apt idea. Memuchan: two sloe gins on the rocks for Haman and me. And also bring us a few Oreos, the royal cookie.”

“Yessir, right away, sir. Would the Shah like a bit of oleo with that?”

“Yes, of course, a spot of oleo would be delightful with our sloe gin and Oreos.”

The king ordered that a massive beauty contest be held in order to find a new rani. There was much ado in the palace preparing for the event and an aura of great excitement set in. Many a golden dinar were spent to build the many spas that would be needed and to convert the area around the palace into a veritable Eden on Earth. An elite team of snake trappers was brought in from Oslo in order to clear the area of all asps and eels to avoid any mishaps during the contest. Large pools filled with aloe were readied for each contestant as they all prepared for six months. To ease the passing of time, sari-clad opera stars sang their arias and altos throughout the entire isle of Shushan entertaining the participants. To break up the monotony of so many arias, the USO was on hand to recite odes in praise of each hopeful participant.

Each rani-wanna-be was given both written and oral tests. It wasn’t easy since they had to know about ions and Lake Erie, neither of which had been discovered at that time, so many erred in this regard. This earned them the icy stare of their proctors. They were also given an epee and were forced to defend themselves in a fencing match.

One contestant, named Esther, however, stood out among the others. It was as if she wore a halo. She was a pro at taking tests and an absolute ace at fencing. As an employee of Hamodia’s crossword staff, she knew exactly where Lake Erie was located and that Edo would someday be renamed Tokyo. Achashverosh’s choice was clear.