Scandal in Royal Palace: Persian King Deposes His Wife
In an extraordinary turnabout, a researcher stumbled on an ancient manuscript, dating back to 3399 (362 BCE). The manuscript had been buried — literally and figuratively — by a militant news suppression agency known as WikiLocks (whose cousin was reportedly eaten by a family of bears). It was discovered by a thirsty reporter searching for a wine cellar, who instead found a whine seller plying a collection of ancient kvetches.
The reporter refused to disclose his source, but said he could be convinced with a good bottle. As a result, Hamodia has uncorked the following vintage story. L’chaim.
SHUSHAN – In a stunning announcement that sent shockwaves throughout global markets, the Royal palace confirmed on Sunday that King Achasverosh has deposed his wife Vashti, and that “her royal title will be conferred upon another woman who is better than she.”
In a statement, the palace said that under an irrevocable royal decree that will now be part of permanent Persian law, Vashti is barred from ever appearing before the king again.
Sources within the royal place gave conflicting reports as to whether Vashti had been executed.
“She is very much dead,” one security officer, who said he wasn’t authorized to talk about such sensitive matters, told the Daily Dispatch. “She was executed immediately after his majesty made his decision. That was the only effective way to ensure that the king doesn’t change his mind, especially since he had consumed a very considerable amount of alcohol prior to signing the decree.”
Another high-ranking palace source denied that she was dead.
“The king wants to keep her alive at least long enough for her to see her replacement so she can die from envy,” he said.
Vashti, 20 years old, was the daughter of the late King Balshetzer, and granddaughter of the infamous King Nevuchadnetzar.
The announcement came after the king held an emergency meeting of the royal council, prompted by Vashti’s refusal to obey an order issued by his majesty, and a particular acrimonious exchange between the fractious couple.
“Vashti crossed a red line when she reminded Achashverosh that he was a stable boy in her father’s palace,” a palace source who spoke on the condition of anonymity out of fear of hanging around in the wrong places, revealed. “She should have known better than bring that up. He doesn’t like hearing about it. He’s not so stable after all.”
The Babylonians, Assyrians, and Larcenists Organization of New York, known by the acronym of BALONY, expressed deep anguish over Vashti’s removal, and said it was deeply worried about her fate.
“Vashti is the last surviving descendant of Nevuchadnetzar,” the statement by BALONY said. “Her fate is of enormous historical importance to us.”
When asked by reporters about the news during a charity function in Wokshire, Queen Mary XVII of Great Britain expressed her deepest condolences to the people of Persia.
“This news is extremely disconcerting,” she said. “We will be calling for an urgent meeting of QUACK to ponder our next step how to ensure the rights of Queens.”
QUACK, which stands for “Queens United with Archdukes, Countesses, and Knights,” is an international organization that seeks greater protection for royals.
One London supporter of King Achashverosh urged the British monarch to “mind her own business.”
“Her majesty has apparently forgotten that it was a British monarch, King Henry VIII, who beheaded two of his wives and divorced two others,” Brett Whett pointed out. “We in England should be the last ones to complain about royal messes.”
In a startling legal twist, the government of North Korea filed a lawsuit in U.S. Federal court against the Persian king, charging copyright infringement.
“Executing close relatives is something that the Great Leader has an exclusive copyright on,” the suit charges. “Achashverosh was obligated to get approval from Pyongyang before killing his wife.”
Animal rights activists were divided in their reaction.
In a strongly worded statement, the Animal Liberation Organization called the killing of Vashti “unacceptable.”
“According to eyewitness reports, Vashti had a tail at the time of her death, which suffices to make her eligible for our Animal Protections Program for animalistic rights and wrongs,” the group said. “We therefore condemn her murder in the strongest terms possible.”
In contrast, the PETA organization firmly rejected the notion that Vashti was a protected species as specious.
“She may have acted like one, but so do many other humans. A tail alone isn’t enough to be considered a non-human,” the group argued. Besides, she was more likely to endanger other species.
In the meanwhile, in Albany, New York’s progressive governor Smoll Ki Tzoni, who also hails from Queens, fresh back from being an honored guest at Achashverosh’s massive banquet, came under heavy criticism for coming to the King’s defense.
“Achashverosh is a leader in the fight against global warming,” Ki Tzoni told reporters. “Everything at the party was made out of recyclable material, not a plastic bag anywhere. And no plastic hanging on the tree with her. As long as the only thing he sees as disposable is his wife, it is something we can live with.”
Less than an hour later, the governor backtracked from his controversial statement, saying that he had been “misunderstood.”
The change of heart came shortly after a locksmith, hired by the governor’s wife, was seen changing the locks at the governor’s residence.
New Persian Queen is Named, But Her Identity Remains a Puzzle
After a four-year worldwide search, King Achashverosh has handpicked a new Queen in place of the late Vashti, the royal palace announced yesterday.
Other than her name — Esther — suggesting she has something to hide, virtually nothing is known about the new Queen. Her lineage, religious affiliation, even the identity of her parents is a closely held secret.
“The only thing that we know about her is that she is very popular,” a high-ranking palace source said. “There is broad agreement that she is the right person for the job.”
A number of countries have now claimed that she is one of their own.
“We believe that she is an Amalekite,” Ri Shanta, the Vice-President of IAAAH (the International Association for Amalekites, Agagites, and Hamanites) said.
Hakin Kupp, a spokesperson for the royal court of Holland called the claim “utter nonsense.”
“There is no doubt that she is Dutch,” Kupp argued. “Esther’s middle name is Hadassah, which is the Semitic word for tulip and everyone knows that the Netherlands is famous for its tulips.”
Reached at an international conference of etymologists, where he was delivering a paper on the elusive meaning of the term achashdranim, Hamodia’s wordsmith, Lord Mordechai Schiller, diplomatically suggested that Kupp should recheck his dictionary.
“Hadas means a myrtle, not a tulip,” Schiller said, adding, “You could look it up.”
When asked to give his opinion on Esther’s identity, Schiller was circumspect.
“It is one of those things about which those who know don’t say, and those who say don’t know,” he said.
In the meanwhile, the American president reminded Achashverosh of America’s new immigration laws.
“There are 274,810 people in the U.S. with the first name Esther,” the president said. “Statistically it is the 255th most popular first name in America. So she clearly is an American. I can understand why Achashverosh wanted to marry a U.S. citizen, but if he thinks that he will use it as a backdoor way to emigrate to this country, he is in for a surprise. He might find himself up against the wall.”
Failed Assassination Bid Revealed, Amid Persian Palace Intrigue
by Maharva Namssiew
SHUSHAN — The Royal Palace acknowledged that a plot to assassinate King Achashverosh had been foiled at the last possible moment, and that two individuals had been hanged for their roles in the attempt to kill the powerful king.
The terse statement, released by the assistant to the undersecretary of internal affairs, did not name the alleged perpetrators. However, sources within the palace identified them as Big-Sen and Ser-Esh, two of the king’s chamberlains that belonged to his security detail.
“His majesty was tipped off by someone who had inside information and caught the two trying to serve him water laced with a powerful poison,” one high ranking source with firsthand knowledge of the matter, who spoke on the usual condition of anonymity, said.
When asked about the assassins’ motives, the source said they were holdovers from Nevuchadnezar’s administration. Then he furtively added, “A better question would be, who doesn’t want him dead? Why did anyone want to save his life?” he said.
Efforts to reach family members of Big-Sen and Ser-Esh by phone were unsuccessful. When this reporter stopped by Big-Sen’s former house, a teenager who identified himself as Small-Sen was seen removing the deceased man’s belongings.
“I am absolutely not related to him,” Small-Sen insisted. “At least not anymore.”
The two were Tarsians, who were close associates of the Amalekite leader Haman.
Raine Shlechtigkeit, a spokesman for IAAAH (the International Association for Amalekites, Agagites, and Hamanites) confirmed that the two were card-carrying members of their group.
“We made every effort to save their lives, but we were unable to do so,” Shlechtigkeit said. “They made a grievous error in getting caught. Now they’re deeper than the deep state.”
One longtime political analyst, who — though speaking from the relative safety of a New York subway station — keeping far enough away from the tracks — insisted on not being named in the article, rejected the notion that this episode would have an adverse effect on Haman’s political future.
“His majesty has never been one to allow something as mundane as facts to get in his way,” the analyst said. “He knows full well that Big-Sen and Ser-Esh were associates of Haman, and that Haman had nothing to do with the tip about the plot. But he is happy to delude himself into thinking that Haman was the one who saved his life.”
In a typical twist, Tehran — which has close ties to Amalekites — blamed the United States and the Jewish people for the foiled plot.
“This is just the latest example of the aggression being perpetrated by the American president and his Jewish son-in-law,” according to the statement from the Iranian foreign minister.
The White House dismissed the claim as fake news.
“If the president decides to kill someone, he uses missiles and not poison,” the assistant press secretary pointed out. “And he gets the job done. Just ask Qasem Goodbye Salami. What this is really all about is another indication of the corruption in Ukraine that the president is trying to root out.”
He declined to elaborate regarding the connection between Shushan and Ukraine.
“Give it some time, eventually the facts will come out,” he said.
The Democratic National Committee had a different take on the matter.
DNC Spokesperson Drey Kupp insisted that the plot has “all the fingerprints of this president’s collusion with Resha’im.”
In the meanwhile, in another indication of the King’s unpopularity, a class action suit was filed in New York State Supreme Court, seeking an injunction stopping publications and school plays from portraying Achashverosh as a roly-poly monarch who couldn’t count to three without using the corners of a hamantash.
Fest Geb-Oat Esq, a pro-bono attorney representing the many thousands of members of the Overweight, Obese, and Pleasantly Plump Society, known as OOPPS, alleged that such portrayals afflict his clients’ severe anguish and appetite.
“There is absolutely no indication that Achashverosh was or will ever be heavy-set,” Mr. Geb-Oat stressed in the filing. “And it is unfair to portray him as the heavy in this play. By associating this wicked and corrupt king with well-endowed people, they are besmirching a very significant percentage of society. All around, roly-poly people are known for their sweet personalities and lumping us with Achashverosh is both unfair and harmful to our large reputations.”
A spokesperson for the King tooted that the King “was merely exercising the power of the Persian.”
Plight of Amalekites Draws International Attention
by Maharva Namssiew
SHUSHAN — Word that King Achashverosh gave the Jews of his empire the right “to destroy, to slay, and to exterminate every armed force of any people or province that threatens them” has sparked international outrage.
The United Nations Security Council went into emergency session last night to discuss what a spokesman called “an impending humanitarian disaster for the Amalekite people.”
“We are extremely concerned about the latest developments,” said Vay Izmir.
While the Amalekites weren’t specifically named in the royal decree, there was little doubt that they were the targets of a document almost certainly written by Mordechai, a close confidant of the King and the new Jewish prime minister.
“This is a Zionistic plot to annihilate our people,” puffed Mer Shaas, the longtime president of the IAAAH (the International Association for Amalekites, Agagites, and Hamanites). “We appeal to the international community to come to our aid.”
In a remarkable turn of events — called by some “miraculous” — only three months ago, it was the Jews who were facing extermination, after a bill calling for their genocidal annihilation was passed by Haman, an Amalekite leader who then served as prime minister. After a stunning coup saw Haman hanging from the gallows he prepared for his archenemy Mordechai, it was Mordechai who assumed his position. And now it is the Amalekites who fear for their lives.
When asked why the Security Council didn’t meet when it was the Jews who were threatened with extinction, Izmir, the U.N. spokesman, seemed puzzled by the question.
“This is the U.N.,” he simply said.
The European Union sent mixed messages.
Nidreg Erous-Vorf, an assistant to the deputy of the vice-chairlady of the Human Rights and Wrongs Commission, called for military action to defend the Amalekites.
“It is my knowledge and belief that despite all denials to the contrary, there is enormous sympathy for the Amalekites among our members,” she insisted.
On the other hand, the hairdresser for the acting press secretary for the British Foreign Office said, “This is strictly an internal Persian matter. We have never been there to defend the Jews, nor will we be there for their enemies. If the matter comes to a vote in the U.N., we will keep a stiff upper lip and abstain.”
The Arab League said that the organization stands in solidarity with the Amalekites.
“An enemy of our enemy is a friend,” the statement said. From all indications, though, they intend to stand in solidarity far enough away to solidify their own safety.
Gun-rights advocates were also divided on the issue.
Heph Kervelt, the president of Gun Owners United, leaped to their defense.
“They are the most loyal members of our organization,” he said. “They start teaching their children how to shoot a gun in kindergarten. We strongly condemn any attempt to limit their constitutional rights to use their guns against the Jews or anyone else.”
But Shees Abix, a spokesman for the National Shotgun Organization, rejected any link between the Amalekites and guns.
“To the contrary, this whole saga just proves why Jews should own and use guns,” Abix insisted, adding, “There is no connection between guns and violence, period.”
Meanwhile, a spokesman for Guns Avek, a coalition against guns and violins, said that all Jews must be disarmed — at least from their organization.
In an unrelated development, the Shushan Sanitation Department is reportedly pursuing a lawsuit against the estate of Haman’s late daughter after it was determined that the pail of garbage she hurled out of the window violated the city’s strict recycling laws. A lawyer for the family said Haman’s daughter was merely recycling the refuse. The rest of the family refused to comment.
After carefully examining the refuse on the floor and finding half-empty beer bottles along with used diapers, a city inspector wrote a ticket. When Haman’s daughter realized that it was actually her father she had pelted with the garbage and not, as she had mistakenly assumed, Mordechai, she took her own life.
But that has not convinced the city to back off its efforts to get their money. Moreover, they added a summons for illegal disposal of her corpus delicti.
“If we have to bring her back to life to get our five rupees, we will,” a department spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the extreme sensitivity of the issue, said yesterday.
Update to a story that appeared in the February 25, 2013, issue of the daily Hamodia.