There’s no other way to say this, Thimble: You’re fired.
We appreciate your decades of humble service, of course, but we need to let you go. It’s 2017. The people have voted a reality star/real estate executive into the White House and they have voted you off the island of Monopoly.
Surely you saw this coming. You are, after all, something of a relic, dating back at least to the Etruscan civilization. How long did you think you’d survive in this cutthroat world of high-stakes investing, multimillion-dollar real estate listings and sketchy bankruptcy proceedings? You’ve been circling this block for 82 years, longer than anyone expected. But now, Thimble, the tribe of Monopoly-lovers – 4.3 million voters from over 100 countries – has spoken. We truly wish you the best. Maybe you could recycle yourself into something relevant. A tiny drone, say, that could be used to spy on future presidents?
Anyway, think about it. There are job training programs available to you. At least for now. Government handouts are on the chopping block if they can’t be proved to show results. Don’t dally.
We here at Hasbro have always made it our mission to keep up with the times. Your former colleagues Rocking Horse and Lantern got their pink slips after just five years. We bade adieu to our faithful friend Iron four years ago. And don’t forget when you were all furloughed in favor of wooden tokens during World War II, because of that metal shortage. You’re not alone in this round of layoffs either. Wheelbarrow and Boot have also been asked to pack up their belongings.
Be honest with yourself, Thimble. Would a kid even pick you today, let alone know what you are? To them, you probably look like a cup that’s been hit with shrapnel. Sure, you always fit perfectly on a player’s pinkie finger. And yes, you’re a symbol of simple living and self-sufficiency. But that’s not what the folks want today. They want fame, luxury, efficiency, Uber.
Your replacements will arrive in August. Of the 64 options they were presented with, voters chose to oust the three of you and bring in some fresh blood: Penguin, Rubber Duck and T-Rex. Naturally, all of the game pieces will be plated in gold.
Penguin wears a tuxedo every day, for crying out loud. Would it have killed you to dress up once in a while? Look at Rubber Duck. She just wants to lie around in a bubble bath all day. We think it’s good to enjoy a little self-indulgence. She’ll fit right in with the other socialites on Park Place.
It’s been a great run, Thimble, but you knew it couldn’t last forever.
G-dspeed and G-d bless America. Let’s make Monopoly great again.